My heart aches for the pain that you have survived, and I have
the upmost respect for the way that you have learned to survive
in spite of your wounds. The first thing that I want you to know
is I seek to provide you with a safe place for us to work together,
where I can teach you the skills you need not only to heal your
wounds, but how to develop the skills to reach your own goals
in a healthy way.
Unfortunately in this culture, and in most of the world, there
are few places where healthy skills or how to get ones needs met
in a healthy way are taught. I see my role as a teacher. One who
has studied and learned about many different kinds of tools that
will work and I seek to teach you the skills to get your needs
met in healthy ways. In this process you will learn the skills
necessary to develop healthy relationships. My goal is to teach
each one of you as many skills as possible so that you will have
the most choices available to you. The chances that you will then
be able to make a healthy choice are then greatly magnified.
But before you have the tools you need it is almost like the day
before you learned to read. You can’t ask someone to do something
they have no idea how to. Maybe you have no idea why you keep
falling into the same patterns with the same unhappy outcomes.
Let me try to explain. Even if we know in our head that the right
thing to do is, we need to be able to have the emotional tools,
as well at the intellectual tools in order to put these into practice.
The day before you learned how to read, you simply did not know
how to read. Nobody judged you for not knowing how.
A much clearer and simpler explanation would be we really
all do the best we are capable of doing at any given time. If
we knew how to do it better we would. My job is to give
you enough new skills so that you can do it better, have more
choices, and make healthier decisions.
In my practice there is no blame or judgment. If you come in for
couples counseling, you need to accept that up until you came
in, you have each done the best you knew how to in that relationship.
My job is to teach you how to do it better.
For those of you in relationships you need to know that passion
ebbs and flows depending on whether enough energy is being put
into a relationship, and whether or not the wounds are being actively
healed both with my help and your partners. Once that process
is underway, there are specific techniques to help revive the
passion that initially brought you together.